I'm not a psychologist, so I won't pretend to be. Nor am I apparently immune to the post-race "blues". My "A" race in this case was Ironman Wisconsin. For about a year I lived and breathed Ironman Wisconsin 2009. When it was over, while I was sad to leave the race venue, I was excited to be an Ironman, and I was relieved it had ended, not because I didn't enjoy the process (I very much did), but because it meant I could move on to other things. A year is a long time to work on a single objective.
However, a few weeks later I found that I absolutely had to set some kind of a goal, as just idling wasn't going to sit well with me. I did, and I while I fell a little short of said goal (a sub-1:50 in the half marathon), I still recorded my best half marathon time ever, and that sat okay with me. What I didn't realize in working up to that half marathon, and shortly after, was that it was only a band-aid. There was something much deeper and darker going on inside, to this day which I don't really claim to understand entirely, but I'm beginning to, and it has lightened up, thankfully.
There is some solace in knowing (reminding myself) that I'm not retiring from the Iron distance. I'm not completely certain when I'll be back, perhaps as soon as 2011, but I'll be back, and be able to relive the experience again. This year will include some things that I will be able to immerse myself into, albeit smaller scaled, so I can focus rather than analyze, which I find a positive direction for me to be in.
The effects of my depression are/were widespread. My eating habits changed for the worse, as did my sleeping patterns. I became irritable and snappy, particularly when my kids weren't at their best possible behavior, or if they needed me repeatedly. I sloughed off at work, and got lazy with personal projects. I acted (and felt) aloof, or disinterested most of the time, and last but not least, I was hit badly in December with a string of illnesses that were slightly more than a little concerning. My family and I all sort of started wondering if there was something seriously wrong. I have a serious aversion to doctors, and I like to self-diagnose (it's worked well for me so far). Fortunately, by the time I gave up trying to figure it out, things started to clear (the headaches, fevers, stomach cramping, fatigue - a month's worth), including my head, and I canceled my plans to give in and see a specialist. I am now willing and able to chalk the illnesses up to depression. It sounds unpleasant, and it is, probably more so than I'm able to articulate. I only can summarize it as being a very "dark and stormy" place to be.
Unfortunately, I'm not completely in the clear (I struggle as I type this), but signs point to a positive swing in momentum. I'm beginning to get excited about taking my team, Edge Multisport into some new areas this year, and I look daily for opportunities to accomplish new athletic feats. I just haven't decided what yet. I thought I knew, but I'm afraid many of those decisions were made while in an irrational state. I've decided to wait until things become really clear for me, and the racing I want to do becomes abundently obvious. For now, I still plan on running a half-marathon on January 23rd, if for nothing else, because I'm curious to see how my body is going to respond to all it has been though since this began.
If you haven't guessed, facing this publicly is not really very easy to do. If it hasn't come through in typing, and I'm sure those that know me personally would agree that I have a "large" personality (perhaps ego). I exude confidence in my step, my style, my presence. I don't think it's a facade as much as it is confidence in the ability to prevail. Admitting depression sucks.
